(no subject)

I can't believe how hard it is to eat normally.

I'm trying to distract myself... so... I'm looking at pictures of cute, fuzzy baby animals! like.. baby tigers! and and and... baby turtles!

I own a turtle. She was that small when I got her. It has been almost 10 years, and she's bigger than my dad's hand, and that's no small feat. She bites, too. I feed her twice a day, morning and night, and I don't wash her out nearly as much as I should. I'm a horrible turtle mommy, but I don't often have both the time and the energy to wash her tank fall in at the same time. I should do it this sunday. In a couple of weeks, I want to travel out to Montreal (about 2.5 hours out from here) and spend the weekend at a friend's place, partying and drinking like the college student I'm supposed to be.

honestly, partying and drinking is great and all, but there's something to be said about being in your own bed, not feeling sick like a dog, not being exceptionally poorer after each passing month AND not waking up without a pounding headache. I hate it when it's with snobby bitches. They throw the lamest parties. If you can't be yourself at a party, then where in god's name can you be yourself? I hate beer. I made it my NYR to try to get myself to like beer. I'll probably keep it until the very last day, if at all. oh c'mon.


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I want help. I want to understand, I want to know, I want to get out, now. hlep. help. help. help.help. helkjebkjb




- <3

(no subject)

I'm taking up yoga. .. no, not the classes, just a DVD, but after spending (relatively) lots of time with my yoga-obsessed sister, I got a streak of inspiration. I started it today, and I like it so far. I just have to fit into my week like.. 2-3 times, which is easy now (lost the job, I have two weeks of absolutely nothing to do. bliss.) but with school, with all the labs and the homework and the complementary gym time.. it'll work. I'll make it work. ;)

pff, I know I'm a total dork.

having tons of time having no deadlines, no appointments, no anything feels loverly. however, I have got to stop spending money. I'm not making money. I feel like such a consumerist pig.

I'll do yoga instead. (WHICH I SPENT MONEY ON. :/)

okay, so my life is on a low right now. no news. It's quiet, and I enjoy that... for now, anyway.

(no subject)

I can't

stop

EATING.

Goddamn

EATING.

I just don't want to study, I just want to EAT EAT AND EAT SOME MORE.

I think we've had this discussion before.




:(

(no subject)

I don't really care if no one reads this, I just feel like writing a bit.

My last visit to the psychologist was, well, my last, as I've decided. As was my last meeting with the dietician. I'm quitting my job as well. I hate being surrounded by food for hours by myself. I hate how I'm failing my classes because I can't concentrate given one or two factors, including my eating disorder. I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. I wasn't putting any effort into the therapy sessions, and likewise into recovery.... so I kind of decided right then and there that I should stop wasting their time if all I'm gonna do is nod, answer questions, and pretend to care for an hour at a time. I feel horrible saying that... but at least now I realized it, stopped, and wont feel so guilty anymore in that aspect. Quitting the job was something I've been considering for a long time and it will help me a lot with school and recovery. I'm lucky to be in a place where I don't need a job. I will find another one, this time not around food, hopefully before christmas.

Ironically, eating has gone relatively well since the "last" appointment. At first I felt so alone.. I felt like bawling my eyes out on the way out... but I knew it was my decision and that this could effectively help me more than deter me... since it will make me realize that this is a job for me, not the specialists.

I actually cried last night, right in front of my mom. !! Who does that???? Jesus christ. In retrospect, it seems ridiculous, but I think it helped me a lot to just let it out.


anyway. I know I'm not alone. this has always been confusing for me, but I never want to give up on trying to find my way out... hence my new attitude... try try try and try again.


dun.

(no subject)

I feel like I've dug myself into a hole.

I find bulimia weak. I think it's childish of me to participate in bingeing and purging, and that I should stop - because I'm "able" to stop "anytime". I do it because I'm weak, stupid, and lazy. So, for being so lazy, stupid, and weak, I punish myself... by not helping myself. I figure that this is something I should be able to accomplish effortlessly since it's such a insignificant issue. I have no problems in my life.. why should I be doing this to "deal"? I know people with more problems than I got and they haven't even heard of bingeing.. or so I assume. I just figure that everyone is perfect, inside and out, and that to play that role of the girl who fits in, I have to sacrifice the ugly side of me and release it by bingeing and purging. I'm disgusting. I love this acceptance, but I know I don't deserve it.

this is becoming problematic.


<3